Fear of Fear.

Having lived with a painful chronic condition ( Cervical Spondylosis ) for many years I’ve come to some conclusions about how it all affects my general ‘outlook’. My ‘outlook’ differs from 99% of other humans I encounter…in some important respects, and there are good reasons for this, which I accept.

For 30 years, I’ve experienced a certain fear, every day, for what tomorrow might bring me. It’s a basic instinctive fear, intellectually insurmountable, and ingrained into my default systems as a result of constant unpredictable repetitive symptoms playing havoc with all that I would have normally wished for. Its not an irrational fear…its an integral element in my survival strategy, and it won’t be wished away, because my plans for tomorrow depend on assessing my abilities according to the levels of discomfort I’m likely to experience. I don’t need to be told different, it is what it is. In fact, the fear may well have become, over the years, the prime mover in my decision making processes. I’m ok with this. It’s a naturally evolving protective system which instructs me to operate within a protective environment which best suits my needs.

It may seem irrational to others who don’t have this ‘fear of tomorrow’ default setting, but only because they see fear as irrational in the first place. Perhaps they’ve never had to deal with this ‘real’ recurring phenomenon. Anyway, the fear is there. It used to mess me up big-time, but now I’m more at home with it, and I use it constructively, hopefully, as in these postings. The fear helps me to focus, as it would do if I were being encircled by a pack of wolves.

Something I’ve become more aware of, in recent years, is the manner in which this ingrained unavoidable sense of fear can kick start other ‘irrational’ reactions, such as anxiety, confusion, medication dependency, and even depression. Most descriptions of Cervical Spondylosis (C/S) will include these possibles….almost like they are semi-expected add-ons to an already difficult situation….and all possibly evolving from a lack of understanding of the purpose of that initial sense of fear. However, they only become add-ons if we don’t apply ourselves to dealing rationally with that sense of fear. With medication dependency, in particular, besides the pain killing factor, what we’re really doing is digging a hole to bury that unwelcome sense of fear, out of sight, and out of mind.

Society doesn’t appreciate any display of fear. We know this, and we go to extraordinary lengths to hide the reality of what we experience. Maybe its only in forums such as this that the truth will out ! Think of it this way….I have an unobvious chronic condition and I must try to disguise it further in order to feel that I am not excluding myself from normal society, because I’m aware what society expects. It can get a bit convoluted, but, even so, better said than unsaid.

The average person’s experience of pain will be a pretty straightforward experience of cause and effect, and subsequently the application of a recognised healing programme. No real need for what might be perceived as unnecessary fear in that equation, and this is how society wants these issues dealt with. Unfortunately, when it comes to unexplained referred pain, where cause and effect cannot be linked, or even worse, where cause and effect are incorrectly assessed, it’s a completely different picture, a picture which has not yet been properly assumed into our social understandings. Perhaps the patient, in trying to emulate social expectations, and with the best of intentions, becomes a willing participant in a misguided programme, and all because society tells them that their sense of fear may be irrational. My instinctive response to that scenario would be to say “Befriend your fears and deal with the problems they are directing you towards. That’s what they are there for”. Its only when we are in conflict with fear i.e. assuming that its irrational, and trying to dismiss it, that we don’t see the reasons why that fear exists in the first place. Good honest fear is there for a reason. Its society’s ‘fear of fear’ which adds irrationality to the whole equation.

As an afterthought, I might just go and invent some exotic irrational fears for myself and play with them for a bit. Humour is in short supply here !